New Study Finds 1% of Tulane Students Having Over 50% of Sex
By Raphael Helfand
"We are the 99%," students proudly whisper in Howie T.
The results are in! A recent study conducted by the Student Health Center (theWELL) has confirmed what many suspected--1% of Tulane students are having a majority (~52.47%) of the sex.
The researchers surveyed students online, posing a series of questions about their individual sexual activities. Questions ranged from the boilerplate (“How often do you do it?” “How many partners have you done it with in the past week, month, year, etc.?”) to the shockingly personal (“With whom have you been doing it?” “Have you been doing it with my ex-girlfriend Lola Martens?” and "When you do it with Lola, are you doing it better than I used to do it?")
The Rival tracked down Humbert Dink, the WELL worker responsible for creating the questionnaire. “The questions were all completely standard,” he said, rather defensively. He refused to comment any further.
Students were incentivized to take the survey with prizes including but not limited to a personal petting zoo in Pocket Park, an all-inclusive sex cruise, and “A Day with Dink” (unspecified). All students’ responses were considered, except for those who listed themselves as currently involved in a committed relationship, because, as Dink put it, “those people are just there to rub it in your face.”
Despite the study’s questionable methods, the results are groundbreaking, and their validity is hard to deny. At a school known for its work-hard, play-hard ethic, it seems that the balance of play is heavily skewed toward a lucky few, while the masses toil tirelessly in the throes of academia.
In the face of Dink’s findings, a group of students has banded together to protest Tulane’s intercourse gap:
“We are Occupy Bedsheets, and we want our sex!” Sophomore Marty Sadminton shouted through a megaphone from the Phelps balcony, inciting raucous applause from a crowd that stretched across the entirety of Bruff Quad.
While the male/female split of the crowd is about 60/40 (roughly the inverse of Tulane’s student body), the Occupiers stuck generally to the boys-on-one-side, girls-on-the-other decorum typical of middle school dances and STEM conferences. Protesters held handmade signs with catchy slogans such as “We are the 99%,” “Where Is The Love?” and "My family is very wealthy. Please sleep with me.”
One of the organization’s more compelling arguments is that recent issues with the campus wifi network, eduroam, are most likely due to an uptick in the use of adult browsers by sex-deprived students.
"We've got to get it somewhere," Sadminton told The Rival post-protest, averting his gaze and shoving his hands into the pockets of his cargo shorts.
While Occupy Bedsheets has taken root with a large, vocal minority of Tulane students, there are many who dismiss the movement as frivolous.
“What a bunch of snowflakes,” Tulane Republicans president Reginald Grundleton said. “I haven’t had sex the entire time I’ve been here. Why don't girls sleep with me? No idea. Am I frustrated? Yes. But am I out there protesting like a whiney little baby about it? No.”
Scott Thomas, a pansexual senior economics major is part of the 1%. “It’s true: I fuck good, and I fuck often," he said. "I don't see how that makes me some kind of villain."
“By opening my partners up to new sexual experiences, I’m effectively broadening their horizons and creating a trickle-down effect,” he went on. "Really, I'm a sex creator. It's a free market, baby."
The jury is still out on whether the sex disparity at Tulane is a legitimate student rights issue. Dink, the man behind it all, believes it is. “I stand with the Occupy Movement in demanding swift and immediate action from the administration,” he said.
“Also, Lola,” he added, addressing his ex-girlfriend directly. “If you’re reading this, please answer my calls.”