Tulane Anarchists Refuse to Elect President

By Fox Kavanagh

Cash me ousside (America's political spectrum)

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For many students in campus political organizations, the recent presidential election has been a seemingly endless source of debate. Most of these groups, such as Tulane Democrats and Republicans (or, as they prefer to be called these days, Repulicans), embody the bipartisan political climate of our nation. Even the lesser-known Green Wave Whigs fit this trend, although admittedly their major platform topics have been fairly antiquated since the abolition of slavery.

Behind the scenes, however, there does exist a group that takes less orthodox approaches to politics. I spoke to Tulane anarchist Peter Pandemonium to probe his methods.

“The political activists in this country love to come up with problems, but when it comes to solutions, all they do is argue,” Pandemonium said. “Here’s the real problem that nobody talks about: society. And here’s my solution: not having one. Any questions?”

With anti-establishment insurgents like Pandemonium using compelling rhetoric like this to tackle real issues going on in our country, why is it that we don’t hear as much from them as we do from the other politically active clubs on campus? I decided to get to the bottom of this mystery by asking the other politically active clubs on campus what they thought of the anarchists.

“Why would anyone want to listen to a bunch of triggered snowflakes complaining about the best country in the world?” Reginald Grundleton, president of the College Republicans club, commented. “I don’t want my tax dollars paying for their ungratefulness. I shouldn't even be paying taxes anyway! If the anarchists don’t like America, they can just leave.”

Tulane Democrats president Autumn Washington seemed equally displeased. “Pandemonium’s views are very problematic. Our country is founded upon concepts like free speech and freedom of the press,” Washington said. “If you’re the type of person who would challenge those ideals, then I don’t think you should have the opportunity to talk or write about your beliefs.”

My conversations with the left and right made it clear that the anarchists had inadvertently alienated all of their potential allies through their schismatic commentary. However, at the heart of their divisive methods laid an unorthodox desire for unity, and I was surprised to find myself rooting for these political underdogs.

Even if the anarchists couldn’t capitalize on the resources of the other clubs on campus, they would have much more luck spreading their message if they were able to legitimize themselves as a club in their own right.

“You aren’t the first to come up with that idea,” Pandemonium explained patiently. “But unfortunately, part of being an anarchist is refusing to participate in any part of the system-- sans complaining about it, of course."

"In order to be an officially recognized club, Big Brother would have us elect a president, which is simply not happening. I think I’ll stick to petty graffiti, thank you very much.”

Every time I spoke to Mr. Pandemonium, he managed to open my mind even wider. Racked with guilt over my naïve ignorance and overcome with admiration for the bravery of a group that refused to compromise their principles, even for the sake of their principles, I resolved to write this article to spread the word of the anarchist cause.

Although anarchy might not have the persuasive power of a more formal movement, each individual acting for the greater good has the ability to change things for the better, if only slightly. So the next time you’re at the bookstore or the LBC, remember; stealing one candy bar can make a difference.

CampusLara Miloslavsky