Boldly, Fitts Pledges to get Cow Cat Ass Tat as Incentive for New Fundraising Campaign

By Kiera Torpie

"I'm no martyr, but someone has to do it."

Humiliated by the failure of his “Only the Audacious, Only the Bold” funding campaign, President Fitts recently announced a series of pledges to incentivize alumni donations.

“I’m just confused. 1.3 billion dollars isn’t even that much. I honestly thought we’d have at least half that by now, especially after that dope-ass vid,” Fitts confided in an interview with The Rival. He is referring to the advertisement that was shown at the highly anticipated campaign announcement, featuring a series of images panning student life and vague, repetitive, albeit revolutionary, rhetoric.

His confusion is especially concerning, considering that so far the campaign has only earned $25 from a certain Momma Fitts <3 with the message, “So proud of you, Honey Bun! Keep up the good work! Roll wave!!!!!!!!!!!”

Despite the failure thus far, Fitts seems confident that his incentives will do the trick. First, he promises to publicly pluck a nose hair for every $100 earned, noting, “My eyes get super watery, y’all are gonna wanna see this one for sure.” When I asked if he realized this would add up to thirteen million nose hairs, he didn’t seem concerned. “Yeah, I’m really not worried that I’m gonna like run out of nose hairs, okay,” then he laughed mockingly, gesturing to a non-existent audience in the interview room.

Next on his list, Fitts says he’ll dye his hair a different color of the rainbow for every donation that exceeds $1,000. He asked if this part of the interview could remain off the record, but when I said no he continued, “Well, between you and me, I’ve actually always wanted to do something bold (hehe) with my hair. I’m sick of this same old pushed back, sexy, 50s greaser look. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s hot as hell, but I see it like this: if you’ve got luscious locks to spare, you may as well put them to good use.”

Next, he pledges to get a tattoo of the late Cow Cat on his left ass cheek once half of the $1.3 billion goal is reached, stating simply, "I'm no martyr, but someone has to do it."

Finally, I was horrified to hear that Fitts is not only willing to, but also planning on eating Dean MacLaren once the entire goal is met. In fact, at this point in the interview it almost seemed like perhaps the whole campaign was created specifically with the goal of giving him an excuse to literally eat Dean MacLaren.

Before the interview was over I felt it necessary to ask if he considered the potential rewards the campaign might receive if he clearly outlined how the money would be spent, particularly toward sexual violence prevention and healing programs following the tragic survey results.

“Naaaaaaaahhhhh dude, trust me,” he waved his hand is dismissal, “that’s not what the people want. I know what the people want. I mean my wife, she might tell you otherwise,” he laughed, “She always says to me, she says, ‘Honey Bun,’ that’s what she calls me, then she goes, ‘You may be handsome, but you are the least perceptive man I know,’ and we laugh and laugh. But anyway, to answer your question, no. The people don’t want concrete plans. They want comedy. That’s what I’m here for. They want ass tattoos and nose hairs. They want to watch me strip tease to my favorite song, “Candy Shop,” by 50 Cent. In fact, why don’t you add that one to the list. I’ll do it. By God, I’ll do anything if it means raising an absurd amount of money for no particular reason. So long--and I really mean this--so long, as I get a LOT of attention in the process. To sum it up, I will do it for the attention. And I encourage you to quote me on that.”

CurrentLara Miloslavsky