Fraternity President Delivers "First 100 Days" Speech
By Jack Rossi
"This shit is harder than I thought"
The Tulane Inter-fraternity Council held it's yearly Planning and Development Conference on Tuesday with the intention of checking in on the newly elected 2017 Executive Board members of each greek organization. Representatives from each of Tulane's fraternities and sororities gathered in the LBC's Qatar Ballroom to express their concerns, recommendations, and personal insights about their own respective institutions. Most representatives understood that the meeting meant nothing more than an annual formality required by the IFC. However, some felt that the gathering served as the perfect platform to flex the muscles of their elected authority, no matter how minor it may be.
Richard Johnson, President of Tulane's Nu Upsilon Tau fraternity, deemed the occasion appropriate for the recital of his "First 100 Days" speech. His brothers, known to the student populace as ‘NUTs’, elected him into his position at the end of the Fall 2016 semester. Johnson holds staunch socio-political views regarding the state of Tulane's NUTs, and his campaign was based primarily upon the tenets of greek life which he felt were under-valued on campus; namely exclusivity, heteronormativity, and pomp. Johnson received the majority vote count from his brothers, and quickly began his tenure by implementing plans to fulfill promises he made during a series of late-night "Fireball Chats."
It became apparent to Johnson within the first few months of his leadership that he had experienced at least some disillusionment over the true scope of his power. A number of social and economic roadblocks began to reveal themselves, hindering his ability to achieve many of his original leadership goals. With frustration, Johnson took to the podium on Tuesday in hopes of garnering support from other members of the IFC in his quest to "make fraternities great again."
"Listen," spat Johnson, brushing aside his comb-over and sending particles of Skoal-saturated saliva across the front row of the crowd, "I've been in charge of the boys over at Nu Upsilon Tau for 100 days now, and this shit is harder than I thought. All I wanted was to secure my spot in history as a frat God and bring greatness to my brotherhood. Instead, all I got was bureaucratic incompetence. When I ran for this position, I promised exclusivity and bragging rights to my guys, but when I try to build a fence around our house to keep the rejects away, our treasurer says that 'the budget can't handle it' and that we would be 'shut down.' So I'm thinking that maybe I can tell next semester's rushees that $100 will get them a bid, and we can use that money to keep out all the lower-tier kids."
When questioned about how the fraternity would uphold its social reputation after allowing a bid to anyone with $100 to sacrifice on a bid, Johnson revealed that he had no intention of actually distributing bids to any of them. "My guy," Johnson addressed female moderator Elizabeth Bruff, "exclusivity is the name of the game over at Nu Upsilon Tau, and we are going to maintain our top-tier status by withholding the bidding process for a few semesters. I mean, 15 brothers is already way too many. All pledges do is break our by-laws and steal our Executive Board positions."
Continuing onward, Johnson addressed the recent suspension threats placed upon Nu Upsilon Tau by the IFC; "I also want to take this time to express how pissed off I am at the IFC heads for trying to shut my boys and I down after our philanthropy event this semester. How can you call it sexual harassment if the chicks all loved it? Frat lives matter."
Johnson was referring to a failed philanthropy fiasco hosted by Delta Iota Kappa in February of 2017. Dubbed "NUTs out for Harambe," members of the fraternity solicited donations for the World Wildlife Foundation by selling bananas and packages of honey roasted peanuts on McAlister Place. The bananas and nuts in question were hung conveniently from the front zippers of the brothers' pants. The tabling campaign resulted in the filing of a number of sexual harassment suits, after brothers asked multiple female students whether or not they would like to "buy their nuts."
Johnson's speech was cut short after his watch alarm signaled that it was time for his bi-hourly cigarette break. The rest of the IFC Planning and Develop Sectional continued without incident, though with five minutes left in the meeting, multiple sorority members reported receiving the text-message “wyd” from Johnson’s phone number.