NOPD to Implement Beheadings for Public Urination
By Adam Tsung
Students currently on death row, still have to pee
During Mardi Gras, New Orleans police officers are notorious for their strict enforcement of public urination laws. This year, they’re upping the ante: public urinators will now face a mandatory death sentence.
City officials cite a need to maintain cleanliness and orderliness during festivities, but the new policy has had a few negative effects. Four Tulane students now sit on death row after allegedly urinating in a back alley during the Krewe du Vieux celebrations.
“I was just trying to see some boobies, and then I really needed to piss, and next thing I knew I was vomiting on some guy’s shoes in this cell,” Freshman marketing major Jacob Goldstein said. “There’s no way I’m getting executed, I’m the president of my pledge class, and my dad’s a lawyer back in New Jersey, so I’m gonna be fine,” Goldstein added.
Sgt. Andouille McCrawfish spoke with The Rival, saying “Given New Orleans’s family-oriented reputation, we really try to crack down on public urination. I mean, what else would we divert police attention to during a gigantic party like Mardi Gras?”
His voice started to shake. “Who wants to step in a big puddle of piss during Mardi Gras? It’ll soak through your shoe, and get your socks wet, and you won’t actually know it’s urine, but you’ll think it could be so you’re just gonna have a bad time.” At this point, McCrawfish asked for the interview to end and quickly exited the office, visibly holding back tears.
With these harsh consequences, Tulane students have risen to the challenge. One innovative student has formulated an impromptu Texas catheter out of leftover Franzia bags, condoms, and bendy straws, hoping to keep fellow Tulanians out of harm’s way.
The chief of police plans that the executions will take place in Jackson Square at high-noon. Despite Freddy King’s best efforts, two of the four Tulane students are scheduled for execution tomorrow.