Notorious Evolution Propagandist, Jane Goodall, Comes to Campus and NO ONE is Upset

By Raphael Helfand

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When confirmed creationism denier Jane Goodall came to speak at Tulane’s Dixon auditorium last Thursday, tickets sold out in three shakes of an ape’s tale.

At first, when I heard the news, I thought to myself, “Good. They’re going to protest. College students always protest.” I too wanted to protest, of course, and while I didn’t have a ticket, I made a compelling sign (see below) and stood outside Dixon from before dawn until after dusk on the day in question, watching toxic liberalism flow like the Congo River into the dark heart of our school’s music department.

As the hours went by and Apollo drove his chariot across the sky, I grew concerned. I soon discovered I was the only student left at this godless university with the nerve to stand up to the evil witch woman who came to poison minds with her chimp-filled nonsense.

“It’s OK,” I thought. “I’ll be like Lot in Sodom, except without a wife or girlfriend. At least I can save myself.” So I picked up my sign, unchained myself from the doorway, carefully packed up my matches and gasoline, and went home.

Still, I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth--the taste of liberal hypocrisy. When a harmless, Allah-fearing Catholic like Milo Yiannopoulos comes to Berkeley, everyone freaks out. They throw rocks, they start fires, they cause all sorts of shenanigans. But here, when a Vishnu-hating, monkey-hugging moron like Goodall comes to spew her vitriol, we stand silent. For the first time, I found myself wondering whether we had devolved all those 6,000 years ago--from chimps into sheep!

When asked if she believed in God, Jane Goodall once said “I don't have any idea of who or what God is. But I do believe in some great spiritual power. I feel it particularly when I'm out in nature. It's just something that's bigger and stronger than what I am or what anybody is. I feel it. And it's enough for me.”

Okay, Jane. We all know God is a great big man in a tiny red speedo with giant muscles and a spray tan. We know he loves backgammon, wrestling movies, and the collaborative works of Santana and Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20. We also know he’s not a furry little chimp who plays around in a tree all day, so why don’t you leave the God stuff to people who know what they’re talking about?

I spoke to my roommate Wolfe Glitzer about how angry I was, and was shocked by his apparent indifference. “While I agree that scum like Goodall fly in the face of my Zoroastrian convictions, I also believe in free speech,” he said. “Besides, the Voodoo of this magical city will make her plane crash in the lake, God willing.”

“Alright, let’s pump the breaks,” I told him. “I’m all for free speech. It’s in the second amendment.” There needs to be limits, though, and Jane Goodall is where I draw the line. I’m the type of guy who never has a problem telling libtards to fuck off back to their safe spaces. And maybe it sounds like I’m asking for a safe space now. But I’m not.

What I’m really asking for is a wall. A big wall. A slippery wall so chimps can’t climb up it and hedonist freaks like Jane Goodall are left standing out in the cold forever. One day, God will judge her and all her chimps, and He will take his big strong daddy arm and bop them all on the head and mash them up into a protein shake. For now, though, it’s important to spread the word so we can stop the ape woman from spreading her amoral infection to the rest of the planet.

CurrentLara Miloslavsky