Scientists Confirm 7% Genetic Link Between Human Beings and Frat Bros

By Versace McClendon

You won't believe the results

In a thrilling leap forward for science, researchers at Tulane University have completed a decade-long project to sequence the entire genome of Fraternitus brotheris, revealing that these unique and mysterious creatures have a 7% genetic link to humans.

The research team broke down the genome and were able to demonstrate that “Fraternitus brotheris is comprised of 4% dead brain cells; 3% WorldStar; 12% trust fund; 14% Boot Pizza dough; and the rest is just pastel clothing.”

When asked about the findings in the research, Phi Phi Phi president, Brock Brones, responded: “Although I’m just a business major, I’m pretty sure that’s not what a genome is.”

The scientists went on to conduct a series of other experiments around campus and delivered some startling results. Their initial findings appeared to be both convincing and scientifically backed. Those included the claim that nutrient levels in the soil on and around campus rose due to the inordinate number of students throwing up on lawns. As well as the assertion that Tulane Pre-Med students were more likely to be addicted to drugs than their future patients.

However as their campus-wide study continued some of their findings raised some red flags. They found a direct correlation between being an English major and “having one’s head precisely 10 feet up their own ass.”

It’s hard to imagine how they measured that statistic. They claimed that the sweat produced by the McAlister skateboarder’s is a major source of New Orleans' water supply and that the TUSTEP dogs have a higher combined I.Q. than that of the B-school.

And towards the end, their claims devolved into just straight-up slander, devoid of any scientific backing. Those included: 1) The Health Center doctors are actually just people who were really good at “Operation”. 2) Students with foreign accents were most likely to be from Texas. 3) Divest’s favorite color is orange. 4) Divest is still an organization. 5) Sororities operate as a hivemind. 6) The Live at the Boot guys are empirically not funny. 7) The only people who go to Crawfest are losers. And 8) Luff roolz, Bruff droolz.

Most Tulanians were obviously upset towards the end when the studies turned into blatant attacks on the fine eatery that is Bruff. However, the controversy was solved after it came to light that a pack of disgruntled lab-coat wearing Loyola students were behind the studies. So in no way are these studies verifiable, leaving it questionable if there is any truth in their statements.

CurrentLara Miloslavsky