Self Absorbed Parents Compete with Cow Cat for Funeral Attendance

By Fox Kavanaugh

Parents complain about excessive memorializing of Tulane's favorite cat

The beloved Tulane feline known affectionately as “Cow Cat” was found dead Jan. 14, ostensibly from being overfed Wow Cafe chicken tenders. Many students were devastated by the loss of this campus icon, but Cow Cat was not the only casualty on that dark day; only hours later, Tulane undergrad Sam Rhodes was fatally mauled by a raccoon while helping an elderly woman cross the street.

Sam was known on campus for his prolific community service work, frequent blood donations, and monumental contributions to Tulane's botany lab. Jake Bradley, Sam’s former roommate, says it's been extremely difficult to cope since returning to campus.

“It’s just hard to believe he’s gone,” Bradley lamented. “Cow Cat was such an inspiration to us all. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get through the day without seeing him all curled up in that patch of sun outside Richardson. I know he’s in a better place now, but Tulane is definitely a far worse school without him.”

When probed about Sam’s death, Bradley expressed a basic awareness that the incident occurred.

“Who? Oh yeah. Dan. I heard about that. It’s a bummer, he always kept our fridge stocked.”

As donations have poured in for Cow Cat's family all across campus, some have wasted no time turning funeral attendance into a petty popularity contest. Sam’s father, Steve Rhodes, was particularly belligerent regarding Cow Cat’s universal adoration.

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“He was just a cat!” Mr. Rhodes said, unable to be reasoned with. “I've been trying to get in contact with investigators all week, and they're too busy examining Cow Cat’s death to look into Sam’s. This is completely insane."

Jeannie Rhodes, Sam's mother, was able to see their predicament in slightly more rational terms.

"We understand the tragedy of Cow Cat's passing, but we feel that the death of our son begs a few questions that are really worth looking into," Ms. Rhodes said. "For example, how was a single raccoon strong enough to overpower a grown man, and what compelled it to act so violently? Also, where is this raccoon now? Could it strike again?"

"My wife and I were the only ones at the funeral," Mr. Rhodes seethed. "I just don’t understand. Sam was such a good kid, he was always trying to help other people. Even in his last few moments, he was helping that old woman cross Broadway. I don’t give a shit about some stupid cat! I just want my son back.”

Despite the blatant disrespect demonstrated by some, students and teachers alike are coming together to acknowledge the impact Cow Cat had on their lives. Cow Cat always had a way of bringing out the best in people, and even in death he has managed to show the true extent of loyalty, unity and humanitarianism that can be achieved by our student body.

To the people of Tulane, it is clear that no man, or cat, is unappreciated.