Student Dragged from Classroom Due to Overbooking

by Jack Rossi

Has the Registrar gone too far?

Outrage swept through the Tulane student body this week following an incident of violence involving the Office of the Registrar and an undergraduate student. On the morning of Thursday, April 20th, sophomore student Marvin Learnick was forcibly removed from his 8am class by a pair of representatives from the Office of the Registrar on the grounds of “overbooking.”

The bloodied and confused Learnick was later returned to his seat and permitted to continue his education, but not before his classmates spread news of the confrontation across various social media platforms. Now, the unapologetic Office of the Registrar faces serious backlash from the Undergraduate community.

The vicious encounter featured the controversial Tulane University Special Weapons and Tactics Unit. The highly specialized unit has been experiencing serious criticism since their takedown operation against the A-Quad Volcano in the spring of 2016, in which a “tactical explosion” resulted in a semester long construction project and created smaller sinkholes spanning from Gibson Hall to the Stern building.

The student body has not forgotten the chaos created by TUSWAT, and the assault of Learnick has raised questions about the necessity of having a special weapons branch of campus law enforcement.

"These TUSWAT guys are a bit excessive, don't you think? I feel like I'm walking though airport security every time I go to class" - Skip S. Alot, Philosophy major

This semester, the Tulane University Office of the Registrar has been cracking down on overbooked courses. However, the wheels of bureaucracy turn slowly, and the administration was unable to begin their mission of clearing up space in overcrowded classrooms until two weeks before the start of final exams.

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“In a number of courses across the undergraduate schools there are extra students who have paid full tuition and rightfully reserved seats in their classes” stated Registrar staff-man Al Wayslate. “However, with so many extra students in their classes, professors are struggling to remember all of their students’ names. Therefore, we must remove these extra attendees with swiftness and efficiency.”

Learnick’s peers say that during the incident in question he was sitting peacefully in the back of his Cell and Molecular Biology class, drawing obscenities in his notebook and quietly muttering lyrics from Kendrick Lamar’s DAMN. When asked to describe the incident, Learnick’s classmate Chett Dudemeister gave the following account:

"It was so weird, man. Teach was going on and on about the mitochondria and powerhouses or something, and suddenly these big guys in green bulletproof vests kicked in the door and started yelling for the kid. At first I thought it was some sort of drug bust, what with the 420 festivities and all that. Then I saw the word “Registrar” painted on their vests and I knew it was much worse. When Learnick raised his hand, one of the big guys karate chopped him in the throat so hard that he spat out part of the edible he was chewing on. Then they grabbed him by the collar of his sweater and dragged him out the door. The whole time they were dragging him, he was shrieking about how he was wearing Southern Tide, and that they were going to stretch it. You had to feel pretty bad for him, you know. Not everyone on campus owns that kinda stuff… anyway, like ten minutes later they brought him back. He was shaking and he had a bloody nose. Worst part is that his collar was seriously ruined. It was heartbreaking.”

After talking about Southern Tide for another ten minutes, Dudemeister reminded us that he was high while the events transpired and therefore his account should not be taken too seriously.

"We are supposed to be a UNITED student body! We need to clear the AIR about this issue, since the Office of the Registrar is trying to blur the LINES. We refuse to stand by while they BEAT UP a student who is studying to become A DOCTOR " - Eustace Nigma; Linguistics major

Hours after the conflict transpired, the Office of the Registrar released a public statement defending their actions. “We are not apologetic for what happened in Richardson 117 this morning,” stated Registrar representative Yancy Boolin. “The student in question skipped a class this semester, and has a history of argumentative behavior with professors. It is our duty to maintain the integrity of Tulane’s courses by removing truants who never should've been there in the first place.” Boolin ended his speech by reminding student to fill out their class evaluations, as time was running out and they only had one month left to complete them.

CurrentLara Miloslavsky