Uber Announces New Feature: Uber Feeds, Which Will Spoon-Feed Hungover Customers Their Meals

By Kiera Torpie

"Whym I have to always go get food fromcar? Wahts point?"

In response to an influx of whiny emails from Tulane students around 2:30 pm this past Mardi Gras, Uber app now includes an Uber Feeds option, bringing new meaning to the popularized MadeinTYO feat. Travis Scott song lyric, “Uber fucking everywhere.”

CEO Dara Khosrowshahi says the customer support office was overwhelmed with emails from the Uptown New Orleans region, all requesting that their Uber drivers not only deliver their food, but also come into their rooms and feed it to them. He sent me an excerpt for reference:

Deer Ubeer,

Hi it me i’m dnruk. N hungry. Whym I have to always go get food fromcar? Wahts point? Likepls just bringti to me? K? And feedme pls also? Ill pay wutevr idcc. K? Ok thx luvu byehunrgry

Apparently the company received over 300 emails just like this one between 2 and 3 pm, and were able to quickly convince regional drivers to cater to the needs of the incapacitated students.

One student claims Uber Feeds might have saved her life that foggy morning, saying, “Honestly, when I woke up at 2:30 pm, I thought I might die. There’s no way in hell I could have fed myself that burrito. I mean, it was a little bit awkward at first laying in bed with Ted, the Uberman who brought me my lunch. But it didn’t take long for it him to feel right at home. He even held my hair and said, ‘It’s okay, honey, just let it out,’ when I leaned over and puked all over his shoes.”

A freshman noted that it was even better than being taken care of by his mom. “People always say the hardest part of college is not having your mom there to take care of you while you’re sick. But Deb, driver of a 2016 Honda Civic, really helped me through that this morning when she blew on my pho to cool it down before airplaning it into my cotton-ball-dry mouth. She even held a tissue to my nose and told me to blow real hard. Thanks, Deb, I couldn’t have done it without you.”

After the success of this new feature, Uber is considering adopting Uber Reads, in which Uber drivers will read students their required readings out loud while they lay in bed, wearing sunglasses, complaining, and overdosing on aspirin.

CurrentLara Miloslavsky