Junior in Philosophy 3690 Wonders if it's Possible To Get Laid Too Often

By Nate Koch

Apparently being both thoughtful and bangable comes at a price.

After eighteen romantic encounters with twelve different individuals in the past two weeks, Tulane Philosophy and Early Childhood Education double-major Liam Kennedy has reportedly begun to wonder if it's possible to be having too much sex.

"I'd always seen getting laid as being a bottomless source of enjoyment," Kennedy said yesterday while walking to his Gender and Sexuality class in Gibson. "Literally, of course, but also in terms of it being an activity that never becomes less pleasurable. Now I'm not so sure."

With the afternoon sun sparkling in his emerald-green eyes, Kennedy remarked that aside from the slight dent in his libido, the immense frequency of his sexual fortunes was also beginning to set him back financially.

"I still prefer to go on real dates. Sure, it's more expensive, but there's something about easy hook-ups that feel so callous and dispassionate to me," Kennedy said. "I lifeguard part-time and occasionally nanny for my art history professor's children, but still, you can only pay for so many dinners and weekend brunches."

Kennedy reportedly began considering the possibility that he was getting laid too frequently while journaling in Audubon park on Sunday morning. Although he has yet to halt or slow down his habits, the issue has become "something I need to think more about."

"The fact that I'm even beginning to consider this now shows just how much unfair privilege I'm wielding," Kennedy said, holding a napping puppy at a nearby animal shelter where he occasionally volunteers. "Any woman would be shamed, put down by her peers and called a milieu of words behind her back for being in my position. If I can be as sexually active as I'd like while others can't, then is my 'freedom' really 'free?'"

Multiple sources credit Kennedy's remarkably high frequency of romantic encounters to his fluid sexuality. Jack Hofstede, one of Kennedy's classmates, conceded that spending time near Kennedy has become confusing.

"I don't know, it's like he's got a Prince thing going on, but somehow even hotter," Hofstede commented. "Half of me just wants to be his friend, and half of me knows I want more than that."

"Sex is nourishing to me in its own way, but I've noticed I'm having a harder time with my poetry lately," Kennedy said while letting a 95-year-old man beat him in checkers. "Maybe I need to step away for a while to gain some perspective. Plus, I think I might have syphilis."

CampusLara Miloslavsky